I ended my last post with this question:
Really, what’s the point of having relationships with people if I can’t have sticky, messy, real relationships that will help me grow toward greater wholeness, less loneliness and a longer life?
But the question remains, is it possible to cultivate such relationships online?Here’s what some of our friends had to say about that.
My husband and I recently had a large group over for dinner. At the end of the evening, after most people had left, a few of us lingered over a last glass of wine. As is so often the case when a lively crowd dwindles to a more intimate circle, conversations became more personal and unguarded. (Don’t you love it when that happens?)
“Is it possible to be this open, authentic and vulnerable — like we are here at this moment — in an online community?” my husband asked.
The answer was mostly “no” for a number of reasons:
“When I say something here, I can read peoples reactions and maybe take it back or reformulate what I said. If I write it on social media, it’s set in stone,” said one of my most thoughtful and honest friends.
I think: “But what if we created an online community where exploration was the whole point of it, rather than coming up with a right answer?”
“It would be way too embarrassing for me to have family members and friends read things about me that I’m not particularly proud of,” said another.
I think: “But that must mean we don’t really want to be fully known? It’s too scary?”
So maybe that’s it, I concluded. Maybe this whole idea of creating a community of true interpersonal exploration is pointless because we don’t really want to be known — the very thing that will cure our loneliness. I had to ask: “Do you see any benefits to sharing yourselves vulnerably with others in that kind of community?”
The response was a unanimous “yes.”
The benefits were clear, and our friends were quick to point them out. “It would be great to just let go of all that shit.” “It’d make me feel like I wasn’t the only one struggling with these challenging issues.”
In retrospect, I see that our circle of friends last night provided valuable information. (Sort of similar to what we used to call a marketing focus group in my business strategy days. A focus group is a common marketing technique used by companies to receive input regarding particular ideas such as new products or services.)
The bottom line from this impromptu focus group:
To be truly known in this way would be valuable even if it’s very scary.
I love what one of my Medium blog readers recently wrote, “Let’s keep digging for ways to connect.”
Will you join us?
As pointed out, it would be valuable to be truly known by others also dealing with similar challenging issues. And I think it would be exciting.
However, it seems to me that being vulnerable may mean very different things to different people. Rather than choosing to be all in or not play the game of vulnerability at all maybe each of us would find it most valuable to simply share in a way that extends a bit beyond our traditional comfort zones, observe the results we experience, and then decide whether to extend a bit further the next time around.
“Growing toward greater wholeness, less loneliness, and a longer life”, definitely appeals to me.
I am a big fan of your blog-posts, Marlena. I marvel at your ability to articulate things that I feel and identify with, but find difficult to express. At the thought of expressing my opinions my brains either goes numb, or my thoughts scatter in a thousand different directions.
It seems to me…that exercising this “unused muscle” of self expression, is one I might benefit from.
I too am getting older and it actually is important to me to be known, and to share who I am with others.
However humble my offerings are, perhaps they might encourage someone else…that would be nice.
Ps. Thanks for your comments Ed. I believe I would be part of the group you describe.
Ah, what a great phrase — “exercise this unused muscle of self expression”!! Thank you, Lorna, for your genuine and authentic presence.
Thanks to you Lorna
Your response represents real authenticity. What you call your humble offerings provide real value both in person and online. Ed
I’ll chime in here but maybe obliquely to the question about intimacy and connection in an online community. Other than responding to your exquisite blogs Marlena and Ed’s perceptive perspective, I’m not in an online community, not on Facebook either. It’s not that I don’t want to be intimate, I just don’t want to put it out into the ether where it can be cut and pasted and forwarded to who knows where or to whom.
But I do want to tell you about an intimate community I have been part of for seven months now: it’s a group of eight women who know each other through our Unitarian congregation and have come together to work through a curriculum of “fourteen gatherings for reflection and sharing.” It’s a book called “Heart to Heart,” and what has come out of these topical gatherings (e.g.,Listening, Gratitude, Forgiveness to name a few) is powerful and intimate. I now know these women at a much deeper level, and they know me. It takes building trust. The gatherings use the technique of “deep listening.” Basically it is listening to one person speak, really deeply listening, with no questions, no interruptions, no comments.
We go around in turn. It gives the speaker the opportunity to think and feel through her issues knowing she has time and attention. It reduces pressure on the speaker and the listener and lets us be there. It has been a unique and positive experience for me.
As an addendum, let me say that I’d prefer relationships not be sticky and messy; I’d rather have intimate relationships be mutually caring and supportive. If the difficult relationship is not one I have to be involved in, I would probably opt out.
Pat—your point about sharing intimately online things that can be cut and pasted out of context provides an important point for me to reflect on. I think it further supports the need to build a closed online community rather than simply sharing such materials on Facebook, or Medium or elsewhere. While a closed community doesn’t fully solve the problem since others in that closed community could misuse the material, it greatly improves the safety of the space. As someone who has been working online for over 20 years I may have gotten a bit too insensitive to those issues.
While I too would prefer not to have difficult relationships and have chosen to occasionally opt out, the messy stickiness of those situations have certainly offered the opportunity for growth (possibly more growth than I wanted in some cases). I’m just not sure how to have growth without what I think of as messy stickiness, even in mutually caring and supportive relationships. For example, Marlena and I just had a conversation within the past hour that was at times uncomfortable and yet ended lovingly with both of us better understanding what is at stake for the other.
Pat, your intimate community sounds wonderfully nourishing! Brava.
I’ve been thinking about your comment regarding “sticky and messy.” I can certainly relate to wanting to opt out if or when relationships get messy in a mean or inauthentic fashion. But I would like to make what for me is an important distinction: Sticky and messy because one or both parties are uncaring, inauthentic, or even mean; VERSUS sticky and messy because real inner and interpersonal growth is occurring, which I believe most often involves some messiness. I’m referring to the latter above. As an example, Ed’s and my relationship has been mutually caring and supportive for quite a long time now. And when we’ve gone through major growth spurts (both personal and interpersonal), there has been a great deal of raw messiness.
Thanks for prompting me to think more deeply about this.
Ed, thanks for your (as always) thoughtful post.