(He gave me permission to write this.)

I married Ed almost a quarter of a century ago. I married him, knowing there were things about him that would always bother me.

Like that he wasn’t into international travel (I love to travel).
His only experiences outside of the U.S. were in Jamaica and Bermuda!

Like that he was a picky eater (I love all foods, especially hot and spicy ethnic food).
He wouldn’t touch ethnic food of any kind, especially the hot and spicy variety.

Like that he disliked classical music (I love classical music).
His favorite music was boot-stomping country music or belly-grinding rock and roll.

As long ago as the late 1800s, William James, considered by many the founder of psychology said, “In most of us, by the age of thirty, the character has set like plaster, and will never soften again.” Ed was in his forties by the time we met. No point in holding my breath that he would change his patterned behaviors, right?

The truth is, we all get comfortable and set in our ways because they’re familiar to us. Our habits both produce and are reflections of changes in the brain. According to psychologist Gerald Edeman, most of our habitual behaviors develop at the neural level through the connections between brain cells. The more often we activate a particular circuit in our brain, the stronger are its connections.

Which is why our habits are usually so unconscious. And why psychologists tell us that effectively changing entrenched old habitual patterns requires immense effort, realistic goal setting and lots of patience, often with the help of a therapist, of course.

No. Ed hasn’t been in therapy to change his traveling, eating and music-listening habits. I just began noticing over the years, that he occasionally and increasingly has acted completely out of character.

Ed: “Let’s go to the symphony next weekend.” Me: “What did you say?”

Ed: “My favorite part of this trip to India is the hot, spicy food.” Me “What?!”

So I’m here to tell you: Some habits, even entrenched ones and even after age 50, simply change over time as we expose ourselves to new and different stimuli.

BUT, here’s the caveat.

When Ed is around family members or old friends who knew him when he was young, he still shows up as the guy who hates spicy food and doesn’t know much about classical music.

It seems that even after our old unconscious habit patterns have changed, we tend to revert back to them when we’re among those who knew us ‘when’.

So, during this holiday season, with visits from those who knew us ‘when’ right around the corner, how do we prepare for and avoid the temptation to cozy up with old habits that feel comfortable and safe, even when they no longer reflect who we have become?