The question “Are conflicts damaging my intimate relationship?” is very meaningful to me.

I’ve known both extremes — a relationship that was almost entirely conflict-free, and one with quite a bit more conflict than usual.

Quite a while ago, I published a story “Is a Good Marriage Good Enough?” about the silence that hung like air in a coffin around my [then] husband and me. I wondered when it was that we ran out of things to talk about…or to fight about.

As he and I sat in silence around that Formica table so many years ago, I created an internal monologue of pain and anger that was screaming to be heard. At the same time, I projected how I assumed my husband would respond if I actually shared my thoughts out loud.

Maybe he was doing the same thing. I’ll probably never know.

I now understand that I produced an entire painful script in our silence, in which each of our roles was fully programmed. For me, our relationship was trapped in a predetermined set of internal dialogues that excluded the other.

The lack of conflict in our relationship signaled to outsiders that we had a good marriage — for us, it blocked the possibility of growth…or expressed anger…or intimacy.

Our good marriage came to an end after ten almost entirely conflict-free years.

That was over 40 years ago.

***

Ed and I have been together for nearly 30 years. We both have fiery personalities. We are intense people and have probably fought more than most couples — although not so much anymore.

Many experts would argue that our many fights have taken a toll on our relationship. For example, psychotherapist Foojan Zeine says “angry outburst in any format is destructive to the core of the intimate relationship.” Scroll the web to know that she’s not alone in advising couples to manage their feelings without overt conflict. For couples to successfully resolve their differences, they must stop using angry exchanges.

Given my experience of “managing feelings without overt conflict” in my first marriage, I’m not convinced by these arguments.

Which is why I was thrilled to speak with this week’s guests on my podcast, CrisMarie Campbell and Susan Clarke. They recently published a book titled The Beauty of Conflict for Couples.

Not the joy of conflict.
Not the ease of conflict.
But yes, the beauty of messy entanglements.

Here’s a quote from the interview:

“Anger is a really healthy energy. It’s the potential for growth and it comes when some boundary of mine has been crossed and it’s a healthy response, healthy anger. In our culture we repress anger so much that we get sick.”

And here’s something they said that especially resonated with me:

“It’s not anger or deep hurt that is the reason [for couples] to separate. It’s when you get to indifference…there’s nothing there.”

Nothing.

No anger. No vulnerability. No potential for growth. No intimacy.

Of course, for our anger to lead to growth, Ed and I had to do the hard work of exploring the underlying needs or fears that provoked the outbursts.

But without first expressing the anger or deep hurt…there’s nothing.