I recently posted a story about the shame I experienced due to estrangement in my family; a family I used to think was as close to perfect as it could be.

Such feelings are pervasive enough in our society that family estrangement has been called the “silent epidemic.” It seems that the majority of us are too ashamed to talk about it.

I’m over it.

Family estrangement is a heartbreaking experience. But hiding in my silent shame made it even more tragic.

Here are three steps that helped me get past the shame.

Step 1:
Seek out people with perspectives different than your own who have your best interests in mind.

When I was filled with the double poison of anger and shame, my first inclination was to turn to people around me who would agree with and support my “victim” perspective. Though this may have felt good in the moment, it would have been exactly the wrong thing for me to do, as it simply would have kept me stuck in a position of resentful helplessness.

Instead, I had the good fortune of knowing a counselor who initiated a very different (and scary) way of thinking about the estrangement in our family.

“Your children are unhappy with you; they are demanding that you change,” she said. I nodded, thinking she would bolster my position as victim. But she continued, “You must ask yourself, really, what is it you want as an outcome? If relationships with family are causing this much pain all around, why are you continuing them?”

I was shocked. But over time, her words catapulted me out of the rut of shame and self-pity toward thinking more responsibly about my role in the past and my desires for the future.

Step 2:
Be true to your authentic self, not to your story of what happened.

I wanted to believe my old story of what happened, that the painful experience was about what “they” had done to me. I was afraid that making it about “me” meant that I was accepting all of the blame.

In situations like family estrangement, there’s usually enough blame to go around. It was important for me to get past blaming others or myself, and to understand that this excruciating moment in my life was a personal growth opportunity if I chose to embrace it as such.

So I began to accept that it really was all about “me,” not the victim me, but the authentic me, who had the power to choose personal growth and healing.

Eventually, I came to understand that this experience wasn’t even really about my family or their estrangement from my husband and me. Rather, it was a stepping-stone toward my own personal development and renewal.

Step 3:
Be at peace with whatever outcome occurs, knowing that the only positive outcome you can control is to find peace within yourself.

Of course, this opens the door for others to continue blaming me and demanding the changes they want from me. I cannot control others. If their requests of me are inconsistent with my authentic self, I may need to distance myself from even those I hold very dear.

I’m still working on growth and healing. I will likely spend my whole life at it. But I now know that the breakup of my “perfect” family was an important step in that direction.

Who knows where my next growth steps will come from?