We all know that sex can be exciting, compelling and revitalizing.

But did you know that when researchers recently asked happily married couples how important sex was to the success of their marriage —on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest — the average rank was only 6. This finding held true over the more than 30 years of their research.

By contrast, all of the married couples they interviewed emphasized the importance of non-sexual human touching in their relationship: They hugged a lot, they held hands, and they cuddled and curved their bodies around each other while half-asleep.

What the research didn’t determine is whether these couples loved to snuggle because they were happily married to begin with, or whether snuggling made their marriages happier.

Regardless, it does seem that in the best marriages, partners do a lot of touching. Sex is only one – and not even the most important – form of touch intimacy. A simple hug or gentle caress is enough to promote the important release of oxytocin (the so-called “love hormone”).

Why then do some people fear that if they don’t have frequent mind-blowing sex, there must be something wrong with their marriage? I think we’ve been brainwashed to believe this. We all love stories about great sex. (Even my devout Mennonite mother kept romance novels hidden under her mattress!)  So books, movies, and other media keep throwing at us the illusion that rampant sex is the norm in a good marriage.

And then if we hold ourselves to the same standard, we sometimes feel like failures.

I’m very fortunate that touch is central to my marriage. Ed and I wrap ourselves into each other’s arms beginning sometime around 4:00 every morning and remain intertwined until the alarm awakens us at 7:00. We call it the “skin thing” that our bodies do when we lie together like that: It’s difficult for us to sense the place where the skin of one body begins and the other ends.

I’m an essayist. I write about personal experiences that are or have been significant in my life, especially if I believe they may positively influence my readers’ lives. You’d think I’d write more about our “skin thing.” But I can’t. There are few words to describe it. For us, the “skin thing” bypasses any cognitive description or categorization and lands directly in the heart center.

As I was researching the topic for this blog, I came across the term “skinship,” which originated as a pseudo-English Japanese word to describe bonding through physical contact, such as holding hands or hugging. I love its similarity with the English word “kinship.”

What might you gain if you focused more on skinship with your partner? What is there to lose?