My husband Ed and I have deep friendships with only a handful of people. They’re like priceless gems. They’re like finding home. We’re committed to being there for each other no matter what.
We know that these close relationships provide love, meaning and support. And because of the strong connections we are happier, healthier and we live longer. What a blessing!
But … what we’re just recently discovering is the importance of a very different form of social connection. I’ll call it “community,” a wider social group to which we feel a sense of belonging. It turns out that our motivation, health and happiness are also closely tied to the feeling that we belong to this type of greater community that may share at least some common interests and dreams.
According to a 2010 meta-analysis of 148 mortality studies published in PLOS Medicine, a peer-reviewed medical journal, the mortality risk associated with a lack of a wide social network was comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes every day.
Our professional connections once provided such a community without us hardly recognizing its importance. Now that we’re retired, we need to consciously cultivate it.
We’ve begun taking steps in that direction. Part of the year we live in a close-knit community in Tucson, Arizona. And in about six weeks, we’re moving into a townhouse that’s part of a new intentional community in Eugene, Oregon. Ten townhouses. Ten new opportunities to forge connections.
I’d love to hear about your experiences with deep friendships and broader community and how you think of their roles in your life.
I appreciate taking this journey with you and exploring these new discoveries as we move into our Eugene community.
This is so funny that you’ve written this piece at this time. Recently, my husband and I were talking about this exact thing. I have my old work place friends (from several different companies), I have my writer friends, plus we have our travel and his teacher friends. Then, of course, John has some of his own friends, and we also have family. Generally, we do not mix our different friend groups together in the same social situations because what cultivated the friendship in the beginning were the things we have in common. And some of these individuals might not mix well. However, I do love having friendships in all the areas of interest in my life.
Good post, Marlena!
Linda, I always love hearing your thoughts! It sounds like you and John have been able to maintain the various communities from prior work places. That’s fantastic. But if you move on and no longer have in common what drew you together in the first place, then an interesting question becomes “what can be a new source of commonality with a new group?” That’s what we’re looking at in our upcoming chapter in Eugene. Exciting. Scary. Exciting…
I struggle with this…. I long for community, which is difficult for a self-employed, childless, non church going middle aged woman. I know it’s integral to well being. I’m excited to see this next step in your journey!
Joelle, as Ed and I have moved away from our employment-based connections, our experience is not too dissimilar from what you describe. I’m eager to explore more intentional ways to create communitas than I’ve engaged in during prior life chapters. And as I mentioned in a recent FB post, I suspect food and wine will be central to the communal bonding!
Relationships and community are central satisfiers in our lives, and I’m not counting family in that. My husband and I have lived in the same town for 50 years ! a University town where he is now retired from the faculty. So we’ve been part of this University community which nurtured us in formative years; we’re still connected with some who are still around, but certainly we long ago established other circles of close friends. There are two couples we have been close to for over 40 years, still see frequently and travel together, though they live 300 miles away. We’ve developed a new wonderful relationship with a couple we met through tai chi and the relationship is flourishing because of shared values and outlooks, and I must say having Fun. Couple relationships are challenging to come by. My friendships with women have been easy and sustained and so meaningful in my life. We are longtime members of the Unitarian church here and we refer to our congregation as “the beloved community.” We are deeply connected there. I’m remembering Venn diagrams with intersecting circles of influence. That’s what our connections look like. Thank you Marlena for your insights and clarity.
Pat, thanks for your post! I love your Venn diagram idea to illustrate the circles of influence.
You mention both deep friendships and community. I’m curious about the distinctive roles that these play in your life.
Perceptive question Marlena about distinguishing between deep friendships and community. By definition, a “community” would be more than 1:1, as you say, the “wider social group to which we feel a sense of belonging.” Could be intentional, as you hope to build in Eugene, geographic, or centered around a common purpose or set of beliefs and values. I experience that now as I mentioned through our Unitarian congregation. I’ve experienced it in the past through social justice work and find these communities to be powerful, productive, fulfilling, and validating.
Deep friendships have existed for me with another woman, a couple, or a small group who know each other so well over time and care for and support each other. And this is also powerful and validating in a deeply personal way of knowing. It doesn’t happen automatically. Friendships have to be cultivated and made time for. It’s way more than having lunch.
Way more than having lunch! So true. I’m loving this conversation, Pat, and we can certainly continue it off line as well. The issue of commitment and time to cultivate friendships of course raises the question for me: Is this equally true for generating and maintaining community??