Linda Atwell and her strong-willed daughter, Lindsey, a high functioning young adult with intellectual disabilities, always had a complicated relationship. But when Lindsey graduated from high school at nineteen, she got a job at a Goodwill and she moved into a cottage in her parents’ backyard. Linda believed that the worst was finally behind them. Life proved not to be so simple.
Linda and I will be discussing topics that go well beyond raising a child with disabilities. We will explore issues of universal interest, such as learning to accept what life hands us, seeing humor in the tragic, and slowing down to appreciate the beauty of the moment.
You can listen to my full conversation with Susie Rinehart by clicking ‘play’ below, or on the following podcast platforms:
Learning to Let Go of Control
The following is a taste of Linda’s wise and often wry points of view about life.
Q: What was one of the most difficult things you faced as the mother of a young adult with disabilities?
Linda: It was a rude awakening for me as a mother of a daughter with disabilities that we don’t have a lot of power once they turn 18. I had lots of fantasies about going and grabbing her and bringing her home [when Lindsey had run off with a man twice her age]. But if you raise your children to be independent people, the decisions they make are not always going to be in agreement with what you thought they should be.
Q: How did you learn to accept the disabilities of your once perfectly healthy baby?
Linda: Life is a process. I don’t think when you’re handed a child with special needs that you can experience acceptance at that moment. For me it was a really long process of learning to accept that Lindsey will probably end up in a group home.
Q: As a child, you always had “your eye on the prize,” determined to achieve your goals for the future. How has this changed for you over time?
Linda: Sometimes you need to turn around and look behind you and see how far you’ve come and how beautiful the journey has been. Even if it’s been tough, it’s still a beautiful journey.
Q: I’m wondering what you’ve learned about yourself over the years as you’ve dealt with all of these challenges in raising and, in fact, still needing to support a daughter with disabilities. How has it helped you understand in a deeper way who you are?
Linda: I’m more at peace with Lindsey’s challenges than I’ve ever been. I’ve come to the conclusion finally that the decisions Lindsey makes are Lindsey’s decisions. They are not really a reflection on my parenting. And Lindsey has certainly taught me some lessons that I didn’t even know I needed to learn such as patience, and to find laughter in some of the silly, little things.
When I ask if there’s one last thing she’d like our listeners to hear, Linda says, “I truly believe that raising a child with disabilities isn’t probably going to be the journey you expected it to be. But depending on how you look at it, I think it can be a fuller journey.”
Linda Atwell is the award-winning author of Loving Lindsey: Raising a Daughter with Special Needs.
About Linda Atwell
Linda lives in Silverton, Oregon with her husband, John. She earned her BA from George Fox College, but it is her entrepreneurial and adventuresome spirit that has inspired her career goals. She owned a successful home décor business for ten years before switching to adjusting catastrophe insurance claims and climbing roofs for a living. Now she writes. Her award-winning work has appeared in print and online magazines. She writes blogs about her daughter Lindsey, a high-functioning young adult with intellectual disabilities, as well as about travel and other life adventures. Her latest book, Loving Lindsey: Raising a Daughter with Special Needs tells the heartrending and sometimes hilariously funny story about Lindsey’s plunge into adulthood.
Find Linda on Social Media:
http://lindaatwell.com
Facebook
Instagram: @linda_atwell_writer
Twitter: @outoneear
Linda’s Book:
Loving Lindsey: Raising a Daughter with Special Needs
Book Mentioned in the Interview:
Love is Complicated: A True Story of Brokenness and Healing, by Marlena Fiol, to be released July 2020
About Marlena Fiol, PhD
Marlena Fiol, PhD, is a globally recognized author, scholar and speaker. She is a spiritual seeker whose work explores the depths of who we are and what’s possible in our lives. Her significant body of publications on the topic, coupled with her own raw identity-changing experiences, makes her uniquely qualified to write about personal transformational change. She is also a certified tai chi instructor and freelance writer whose most recent work has appeared in numerous literary magazines and newsletters.
You can find Marlena in the following places:
https://marlenafiol.com
Facebook
Twitter: @marlenafiol
Over and over during this life I have been forces to let go of control by the challenges confronting me only to go right back to trying to control a new set of circumstances not long thereafter? Letting go is a hard lesson for me to really learn? Linda’s story provides an inspirational example of someone making this big leap forward.
Letting go is challenging for almost all of us. Sometimes I wonder why?
Ed, thanks so much for listening to Marlena’s podcast. The lesson over letting go is easy to talk about but not so easy to apply in life. Glad we are kindred spirits in that way. Yet we can always keep on trying.
Thank you for bringing Linda’s story to light. She is a wise woman. (I did have technical difficulties with some music breaking into the podcast–happened several times–so that I did not actually hear the entire podcast.) However, I did get the message about letting go of control. I also am the parent of a special needs adult, a son with intellectual and psychological disabilities since about age 2. We are both a lot older now–a fifty year journey that I am still on and will be on.
There are consolations that as parents my husband and I have done about as well as we could. We are both professionally trained. But of course, not always perfect. One of my guiding mantras is “Ceaselessly Kind.” Our son is not as capable as Lindsey and, while we yield as much autonomy to him as we can, we cannot leave him to live completely with the consequences of his decisions and money management. He does live alone in an apartment, drives, and has a job as a food server at an assisted living facility, a job he loves and apparently does well. He is healthy.
So yes, there are times of pride at how well he does and times of feeling great love and acceptance. There is the realization that being his parent and having him be integral to my entire adult life has helped me to have more understanding and compassion for others with challenges. It is a journey with no off ramp. You just keep on motoring.
Pat, thanks for checking out Marlena’s podcast. I find her as inspiring as she does her guests. I’m flattered she asked me to join her.
Your journey, in many ways, sounds equally (if not more) challenging than mine. I realize that as parents, we are not in a contest against each other. I’m just acknowledging that all parents—no mater whether their children are typical or not-so-typical— face difficulties in between their successes. Yet I also recognize that there are some families facing greater challenges than can possibly be imagined.
I think one of the greatest gifts our kids (who have any kind of special need) give us is: compassion. Thanks for bringing that insight up. And I like your last line: We just keep on motoring. I agree. Yes. We. Do.
Thank you, Linda!!
Thank you, Pat, for sharing this. You and Linda are both such an inspiration to the rest of us!