In my last blog post, I asked “Is Your Intimate Relationship Making You a Better Person?”

What if the answer has historically been “no?” Is there a way to change the dynamics of a relationship for the sake of each individual’s growth and improvement?

There is. And one powerful tool for doing so is the Enneagram.

The Enneagram refers to a system of nine different types, each one representing a way that people tend to think, feel and act. (Each of the 9 types is represented simply by a number 1 through 9.) Each type has a range of healthy to unhealthy ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. The Enneagram typology goes beyond providing insights into personality traits, delving deeply into core motivations and fears that are often unconscious. It helps us explore why acting in a particular way is important to us.

I’ll use my husband Ed and me as examples.

Ed is predominantly a 4 on the Enneagram:

4s feel that they are unlike other human beings and that no one can understand them or love them adequately. They can be intense, intuitive, creative and sensitive, and are often emotionally dominant. At their unhealthiest, they withhold themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, but also as uniquely flawed.

I’m predominantly an 8:

8s also feel that they are unlike others, often taking charge when they believe others are deficient. They have the ability to persuade others to follow them into all kinds of endeavors — sometimes taking great risks. At their unhealthiest, they feel they must control their social environment, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating.

Ed and I will always have the primary motivations of a 4 and an 8. But our relationship can make us a healthier 4 and 8.

4s and 8s are both intense, exhibiting strong emotional responses to events and situations: 8s tend to be socially dominant, 4s are emotionally dominant. Both are attracted to each other’s intense energy, the other’s vulnerability, and the hidden qualities in each of them. They typically aren’t who they seem to be on the surface, and they believe that no one else can really see them for who they truly are.

But here are the really important things we’ve learned:

4s can learn to depend on the 8’s practicality and ability to protect and provide for them, whereas 8s can learn to depend on the 4’s sensitivity and creative ways of seeing the world. In this way, the mutual growth in the relationship itself can make each of us better people, by drawing on our complementary traits.

This is not to suggest that 8 and 4 are a perfect pairing. On the contrary. Both take great pride in having a larger-than-life quality about them: 8s in their larger-than-life willpower and quest for control, 4s in their larger-than-life emotions and in their quest for self-expression. And both resist being controlled.

This could be a recipe for disaster.

But now that we better understand and care about our own and each other’s deepest motivations and needs, at our best, we make room for and support those aspects of the other that are essential to his or her growth. And when we do, we allow each other to feel more alive, which we both long for.

No pairing of types is better than any other. But by understanding your own fundamental motivations as well as your partner’s, your intimate relationship can contribute to making you the best person you can be.

No matter what system you use (the Enneagram is just one possibility), better understanding the idiosyncratic dynamics of your relationship can open the door to reveal and support your truest and best self.