I was 20 when I married Steve Fiol, the father of my children, and the man with whom I planned to spend the rest of my life.
I was 30 when we divorced.
The divorce hurt like a death, and my mourning process went on for several years. I was adrift in an unfamiliar world. I was afraid, having stepped out of the safest space I’d ever known. (Note: I did not feel safe as a child.) And I was deeply lonely, given that numerous friends sided with Steve and judged me quite harshly.
In short, I was broken. Chapter 12 of my recently published memoir Nothing Bad Between Us, describes the suicidal heap on the floor that I became.
April 14 was National Ex-Spouse Day. Google “ex-spouse,” and what you’ll find is lots of advice about how to collect social security or other survivor benefits from an ex, or how to navigate the challenging relationship with an ex and his or her new family.
Instead, I want to write about gratitude. Gratitude for the 10-year safe haven Steve provided for the wounded child I was. Gratitude for two amazing children. Gratitude for being the steady rock I so desperately longed for during that season of my life.
And ultimately, gratitude for Steve’s inability to give me what I needed over time, thus providing the stimulus for me to break open.
On August 17, 2020, my spiritual teacher Fr. Richard Rohr wrote this meditation:
“Sooner or later, if we are on any classic “spiritual schedule,” some event, person, death, idea, or relationship will enter our lives that we simply cannot deal with using our present skill set, our acquired knowledge, or our strong willpower. It will probably have to do with one of what I call the Big Six: love, death, suffering, sexuality, infinity, and God. Spiritually speaking, we will be led to the edge of our own private resources…We will and must “lose” at something. This is the only way that Life–Fate–God–Grace–Mystery can get us to change…and go on the further and larger journey.”
Broken, in that heap on the floor, I was led to the edge of my own resources. I found myself faced with a situation I couldn’t fix, control, change, or even understand. According to Fr. Richard, this kind of brokenness is necessary for any real spiritual growth to occur.
Today, 40 years after our divorce, I honor Steve Fiol and our 10-year marriage for all that it provided as growth material, both in the safety of our home and in the heart-rending rupture of it all.
Wonderful example of a broader perspective coming with years of hard-fought experience.
Thank you Marlena, a wonderful example of gracious appreciation. I will try to follow your example when I think of my own first marriage, which did give me three wonderful children and a fierce independence.
Btw you were beautiful then, and you are even more beautiful now with the wisdom your life has bestowed upon you.
My dear friend. Thank you for those words. “Fierce independence.” YES! What a beautiful gift the rupture of that relationship helped you find! It shines through you.