I’m driving along I-5, heading north toward Portland. My two adorable grandsons, 7 and 10, are fighting over something in the backseat of the car.
“Please keep your hands to yourselves,” I tell them.
The next thing I know water bottles are flying around my head. I see blood in the rearview mirror and hear lots of screaming.
I stomp on the brakes and pull over. It turns out that 7 tried to bite 10’s knuckles and 10 punched him, knocking out 7’s front tooth. Then 7 swallowed the tooth.
He’s now crying inconsolably, “I want the tooth out of my tummy.”
I throw up my hands.
Fighting is in our DNA. Research on mice shows that their brains process aggressive behavior like other rewards. My young grandsons, too, often appear to fight just for the joy of feeling the surge of adrenaline.
Mice and humans, it seems, pick fights for no apparent reason other than the rewarding feeling of aggression.
Watching my grandsons, who probably are no more aggressive than their peers, I’m not surprised that the rate of lethal violence among Homo sapiens is seven times higher than all other mammals.
“How will the tooth fairy know about my tooth?” wails 7.
Our grandsons are aggressive with each other, but as Marlena says “probably are no more aggressive than their peers.” However that’s not the whole story. They are also amazingly gentle and loving with us. And they do entertain and seem to enjoy each other.
They are learning to engage in a wide spectrum of behaviors. I’m not sure that is a bad thing as they venture forth into the world.
Ed, A wide spectrum of behaviors is wonderful. However, as someone who’s life has been made more difficult with anger management, I think that part of the spectrum might not be as useful. There are more constructive ways to deal with anger than raging (or so I hear anyway)
The behavior you described doesn’t seem all that abnormal. That said I was very mean and physical with my sister and I’m not sure I learned anything helpful for my life that way. And these behaviors has just shown up in other way as an adult. I’m not proud.
Looking back the tell tale that I didn’t have good control over these feelings of anger was bad sportsmanship. I would fly into a rage if things didn’t go well.
They are most likely perfectly normal boys, but if you see other symptoms of anger I might suggest an intervention. Said the old guy who wishes he wasn’t so angry all the time.
Thanks for the comment, Brad. I need to give this more thought. Part of me believes (and I have some evidence to support this belief) that childhood anger works itself out for most people, meaning that throwing fits as a child usually doesn’t mean one ends up an angry adult.
The other part of me worries about pointless anger that exists at so many levels in our world today.
Just another issue I don’t know enough about, and wonder about….
Thank you so much for your authentic message. There is much, much here that would be valuable to discuss.
My first reaction is that there is nothing all that abnormal about 8 and 11 year old brothers beating on each other in the back seat of a car—that it is just something they will just work their way out of. Or will they since you present your own situation as possibly being counter to that perspective.
I recently read the piece available below about violence in the Eugene Oregon school system, including in the school the eight-year-old attendance. Needless to say, it leaves me concerned.
Let’s talk further about this.
https://www.registerguard.com/news/20181129/eugene-schools-face-behavioral-crisis-board-told