This week’s blog posts have explored the four faces of our heart, according to Buddhist teachings (click here), and the direct or “far” enemies of those faces, which prevent us from living in state of unselfish love (click here).
I suggested that far enemies are relatively easy to identify because they are the polar opposite of the virtuous faces of our heart.
Much harder to notice are enemies of the heart referred to as “near” enemies, disguised faces of the heart that subtly and cunningly masquerade as virtuous qualities. For every healthy face of my heart, there’s a sneaky quality that tries to show up as the positive trait.
Below are the four healthy faces of the heart along with their near enemies:
1. Loving-kindness –> Attachment
2. Compassion –> Pity
3. Appreciative joy –> Comparison and hypocritical approval
4. Equanimity –> Indifference
If experiencing loving-kindness toward another requires that I get what I want from the relationship, this becomes a form of unhealthy attachment. It may feel a lot like love, but eventually it manifests as insecure clinging, fear and the desire to control. I have learned the hard way how devious this near enemy can be: For years, I mistook my need to control my “perfect family” for loving-kindness – until the “perfect” family imploded. Loving-kindness wants the best for others; attachments to achieve my ego’s own needs may masquerade as love, but actually corrodes it.
What do I feel when I see filthy disgruntled homeless persons huddled on a street corner? If it’s compassion, I see them as equals and hold them close to my heart, much as I would comfort a dear friend. Pity, on the other hand, suggests that even if I think I’m feeling compassion for them, but I see myself as superior and apart from them – out there – it’s likely to be compassion’s sneaky near enemy, pity.
Appreciative joy is the delight I feel when I see the happiness of others. If I find myself checking to see whether I have as much, or less, or more than another, then my seeming joy in the success or contentment of others is most likely hypocritical.
Equanimity’s near enemy is indifference. Equanimity means that when something overwhelming happens in my life or in the life of others, I feel it deeply but I don’t allow it to complete derail me. Indifference may look the same on the surface, but the detached and stoic calmness comes from a place of not caring.
For all four faces of the heart, the loving quality and its near enemy may appear to be the same, but they are actually opposites. The near enemy parades as the other and is often mistaken for the other. But it operates in a space of subtle self-deception, defending the ego in a desperate struggle for survival and control. Attachment masquerades as loving-kindness, pity as compassion, hypocritical approval as appreciative joy, and indifference as equanimity.
In all cases, only we can do the hard work of determining whether we’re showing up lovingly or whether a near enemy is rearing its ugly head. No one else can discern this for us. And we can easily fool ourselves – for a while. Eventually, the joy or suffering in our lives will expose our deepest truth.
This blog certainly gives me reason for serious thought and concern. When confronting myself honestly I can see both all four healthy faces of the heart and all four of the near enemies, each playing their roles in my life over the years.
Are we either healthy or unhealthy? Is there a continuum between each of the pairs along which we move over the years as we gain or lose levels of health?
Can movement from being dominated by the near enemies in early years to spending more time and energy operating closer to the healthy hearts be seen as a sign of encouraging growth in life?
In some writing, the near enemies are called shadows or imposters. As Marlena states, they fool us or fool those around us and, as such, keep us from what we might really want for our lives. I don’t know if they lie on a continuum or serve as discreet states. I do believe that I move from one state to another, depending on the person, timing, circumstance, and so on. Does that make me less healthy or just human? Does seeing others’ joy and success remind me of what is still possible for me or downgrade me to less healthy? Does wanting connection (vs. attachment) reflect an unhealthy state or one that adds to my joy? Not easy stuff – no real answers; just lots of questions.
No, it’s not easy stuff, and I believe we are the ones who must do the hard work of identifying and overcoming our own shadow sides. Soulmates can help us explore, but this journey is our own for each of us, isn’t it?
Thanks for the suggestion that these states lie on a continuum. I believe that’s absolutely true. I would add that it probably doesn’t take “years” for us (at least, speaking for myself) to move back and forth along that continuum.