Yesterday Ed and I started our search for a church community in Eugene, a town we recently moved to. Based on a web search, we had a list of five spiritual groups that looked potentially interesting. Picking the first one on the list, we headed for their 10:30 Sunday service.
When we arrived at 10:20, the parking lot was already full. After parking down the street, we rushed in, thinking we must have gotten the time wrong.
The greeters at the front door assured us we were right on time. “Welcome. It’s so nice to have you here.”
I reached out my hand and smiled, wishing I could just skip this whole awkward “welcome” phase. It felt an awful lot like a first speed date, when each person smiles on the outside, while on the inside, wary eyes are checking the other out.
We slipped into a pew and tried to make ourselves inconspicuous.
You can probably guess where this went. Within minutes, the minister asked, “Is anyone here for the first time today?”
We stood and smiled. The minister continued, “Please stay for coffee after the service to introduce yourselves and learn more about us.” Translation: “Please let’s meet for coffee (or a drink), so we can determine whether we want to continue dating.”
We smiled again – on the outside.
According to a recent Pew report, about half of U.S. adults have looked for a new church at least once, and a geographic move is the most common reason for their search. And nearly half of those church hunters said they were willing to switch religious denominations in order to find a faith community that fit their needs.
As I think about our experience yesterday, I realize that this is exactly what it felt like: Looking to see if the community fit our needs. And I’m guessing that deep down, the congregants were also looking to see if Ed and I were a good fit with how they perceived themselves.
I never liked the dating phase when I was young. And I really don’t like dating church congregations any better.
I wonder?
What if the “right” church for us is more than a place that we find mutually comfortable? Maybe long-term spiritual growth and fulfillment in a church community are similar to long-term growth and fulfillment in a marriage? Maybe, like in Ed’s and my marriage, what matters more than initial compatibility is long-term commitment to growing and learning together?
What do you think?
I think you are absolutely right. When Mary and I moved from Edmonton we went through that process of finding a Christian community. It is the long-term commitment that is important, on both sides. And, as I am sure you know, there is no such thing as a perfect community so part of the growing and learning is being able to deal with that and being as concerned with the needs of others as one’s own.
So true, Rob. And the knowledge that we are all broken in some way. Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
If growing and learning together is the ultimate objective in a marriage or a church community, picking the least compatible partner for marriage or the least compatible church community to join might maximize that growth. Making it work under those conditions would certainly demand incredible growth.
While that might work with a partner in a weekend seminar designed to help us really get to know ourselves by our negative reactions to the other, I suspect most of us are not sufficiently enlightened to make that work on a long-term basis.
How much growth are you willing to commit to in a marriage or a dating relationship with a person or at church? How much comfort does that suggest it would be wise seek out in our initial contacts?