Six years ago last Thursday at 10:05 a.m. MST, the brilliant cardio-thoracic surgeon Dr. Luis Rosado-Lopez cut open my beloved’s chest and constructed three alternative pathways for blood to flow to his heart.
Dr. Rosado saved Ed’s life, and today my blog is about gratitude for that gift.
I’m one of the truly blessed people to have a life partner who “gets” me. I don’t have to explain why I am the way I am; that when I’m sometimes confrontational, I’m desperately afraid of being hurt; that beneath my tough façade lies a vulnerability that I’ve spent a whole lifetime protecting with layers of emotional armor. I share things with him that I never thought I would share with anyone, and thoughts I never thought I could express aloud. For the first time in my life, it’s OK for me to feel unguarded and vulnerable. Because Ed “gets” me.
This hasn’t always been what I longed for in a partner. At nineteen, when I met my children’s father, I needed above all else to feel safe, quite the opposite of exposed or vulnerable. I wanted someone to have my back, someone I could count on to be there for me, unquestioningly, no matter what. My first husband did that for me. For ten years, he stood steadfastly by my side. I didn’t understand until years after our break-up that the safety of that marriage allowed me to hide from myself, rarely revealing – even to myself – the terrified child within me.
I’m just beginning to comprehend the important distinction between a life partner who’s always there to keep me safe, and someone who “gets” me so deeply that I cannot hide, from him or from myself. And to appreciate that what I valued most at one time in my life is not what’s most important today.
Do any of you think about the difference between having a life partner who’s always there for you and one who “gets” you? Have you valued one over the other at certain times in your life? Is there yet some other quality of your life partnership you value more than any other?
Clearly I am very blessed to be with Marlena. When I read her blog my reaction is that I want to be with somebody who both “gets” me and is always there for me.
Marlena provides both in my life. Having someone who was always there for me and who also “gets” me however does not mean that life always feels safe. I do believe that I can count on her to have my back and to act in my best interests. However, being vulnerably open so that my partner can “get” me does not always feel safe.
Do others of you always feel safe in your primary relationship(s)? Are you growing in those relationships? Are growing and feeling safe always compatible?
The word “vulnerable” definitely describes what happens when you open up enough that someone “gets you.” Am I willing to take that risk?
Such a great question, Susan! For half my life, I wasn’t willing to take that risk. But it seems to me, that’s where the potential for my personal growth lies.
I am ridiculously lucky to have found my soul mate (incidentally I met Rob the same weekend I met Marlena at a conference in Steamboat). We have very similythought processes and very often know exactly what the other is thinking. I’ve had some dark moments I didn’t want to share. I didn’t want to expose my weakness and I didn’t want to burden and worry Rob. When I finally worked up the courage to tell Rob, he had known all along exactly what was going on with me and just thanked me for sharing, hugged me tight and reassured me that we are always facing challenges together. I felt both foolish for not talking about the darkness earlier and safer in our bond. The safety Rob provides me gives me the strength to face down the difficult stuff. He builds me up and helps me find courage to believe in myself and take risks. I wouldn’t be who I am becoming without him.
I love the “I wouldn’t be who I AM BECOMING without him.” The present participle denotes continuous transformation. Brava!
John Gorman, whom I follow on medium.com, had this to say today about the topic: “The opposite of loneliness is intimacy — the act of revealing your whole self to someone else and having them reciprocate. It is something you can only do one-on-one, face-to-face, soul-to-soul. When we stop taking hacks at softball pitches and start swinging for the fences, our acts and ideas first clear, then crumble, the walls we’ve built to protect ourselves. Intimacy is an act of love, an act of self-love, and an act of defiance all in one. It’s gritty, emotional, raw, unfiltered, unabashed, unpretentious and unguarded. It’s more than talking about things together. It’s being and becoming about things together.”
So well said, John!
I am also blessed with my husband who “gets” me! The beautiful part about him is he understands at those times when I don’t understand myself. This allows me to feel safe and safe in being myself with him, safe in being accepted. It allows our relationship to be empowered to grow in the most simple ways. Blessed!
We are blessed, for sure, you and I.
I do wonder about the whole “safety” thing, though. I definitely felt safe in my first marriage. My children’s father was kind and steadfast. But I never felt like he “got” my need over time to stretch and to grow. Doesn’t too much safety sometimes stifle growth? Or does it depend on where we are at that moment in our lives?
I agree with Ed on the good fortune to have a life partner who both “gets me” and has my back. They’re not mutually exclusive. I don’t think there’s a part of me that I have to hide from him; he accepts and appreciates all of me. But there was a time much earlier in our marriage when we were in graduate school in psychology. He had a strong specialty and was quite skilled. I had my own strengths but felt in his shadow. I stopped out to have a baby. Later I went a different direction to establish my own profession in nursing, stand on my own two feet, and make my own decisions. That was a good move for me and our relationship.
Pat, I do so appreciate your thoughtful comments! If I were fortunate enough to have a huge number of people participating in these conversations, they would benefit enormously from your insights.
Yes, I so agree with you. To be comfortable with someone “getting you,” I do believe that we must be comfortable in our own skin. Great observation! Thank you again.