Last week we saw Steven Fales’ award-winning one-man play, Confessions of a Mormon Boy. Parts of his story resonated with my own life that I’ve described in my forthcoming memoir. The play takes us on Fales’ heartbreaking journey from being a devout Mormon and devoted father of two to coming out as gay and being excommunicated from his church. He stumbles and falls for a number of years until he’s a broken man, crying for help. In the end, his honesty and vulnerability (when he calls his dad and his ex-wife to tell them his truth and ask for forgiveness) allow him to emerge as a strong and healthy gay father.
But here’s the thing about Fales that especially struck me. He said, “Yesterday’s transformation is today’s ego trip and tomorrow’s relapse.”
The web is loaded with advice about the “3 steps” or the “5 steps” to transformation in order to create the “life of your dreams.” Many of these transformational experts seem to imply that there is a moment, an end point, when you finally achieve the desired transformation. Even my own website refers to Personal Transformation. If we view transformation as a noun, I can see how this might well become an ego trip on its way to relapse.
Instead, I would like to learn to embrace transforming as a verb in my life, a continuous awareness of my limitations and failings, and a commitment to growing, no matter how painful. For me, that requires vulnerability, something an “8” on the Enneagram (https://www.enneagraminstitute.com) doesn’t relish.
What about you?
For me the experience of transformation has typically occurred when I have been broken down and in pain. Why else would I (or anyone) open myself up to seeing the world in new ways, recognizing the limits of my past perceptions and beliefs, and experience being reborn into new and uplifting possibilities? With the bright future and new answers that appear to exist after a transformative experience it has been easy for me to think my new way of seeing life is the last big step needed resulting in the ego trip and relapse that Marlena mentions.
Staying open to new wakeup calls without requiring the darkness of deep pain is an interesting challenge for me. Do others of you have experiences you can share about how you maintain your commitment to growing with or without pain?
I am finding aging to be a painful process for my parents as they loose their mobility and independence. I would like for Larry’s and my aging to instead be one that is transforming. My question then becomes whether I am letting my ego tell me that we are more enlightened and can go through the process more gracefully or whether I need to transform a lot more right now, become more compassionate, and be less judgmental about them.
How much does doing things differently transform us?
Are we transformed by only our own pain or can we also be transformed through trying to understand other’s pain?
Such a great question:
Can we be transformed through trying to understand others’ pain?
It does seem to me that becoming more compassionate and less judgmental can only help us in the transforming process.
Thanks, Dawn!
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Thanks
Thank you and please do come back!
Very good post. I absolutely love this site. Thanks!
Hi Lauren. Thanks for landing on this site. And I’d love for you to join our collective explorations about becoming!
hi Marlena,
this is very lovely post. expecting to read more from you
Thanks. I look forward to exploring together what’s possible in our lives!